am i? I AM! A Son of God

Personal Anecdote Evidence 

I know that I was "given unto'' this mind (brain), one that goes against nature; man with man and woman with woman, as the Bible describes in Romans 1. I know this because I knew from childhood, I was different in that I was not attracted to the opposite sex but that of my own. I know I did not choose it. If I knew since childhood, could I have made the decision to be gay at 5, 6 or even 7? Can a child make such a lifelong decision, and then despise himself for it growing up, and even praying to God to change him, or end his life? If decision making, as part of the human brain which is a neurological component of the body and decision making is prominent in the frontal lobe, which fully develops in the mid 20's. How then, can a child make such a lifelong decision and or choose to be homosexual. I despised my guts for it, for decades, and always felt less than because of it. I learned what homosexuality was at Church, with so much brim and fire preaching on Sodom and Gomorrah, which made me as a child, feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, and just yucky all over. And well-respected church goers would look at me and I could feel the burn of brim and fire stemming out of their condemning eyes, as if they knew I was gay, which made me feel even worse. I did not understand the link between that kind of preaching, those kinds of condemning fiery looks and the love I felt for the Lord inside me, at my young age: it made no sense to me. It was baffling to feel the realness of God, and all His "love", yet His representatives here on earth being so vicious, especially with their self-righteous filthy looks. As I grew, it was evident because I lived it, that wolves do dress like sheep, and they do so at church not clubs; those are other devils with other purposes. "Given unto" versus "as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he! "Unto us a child is born, “a Son is Given,” even Jesus, within the scope of his free will, could not ungive Himself to the purpose our Abba Father “gave him unto.” At Getsemani, we were all saved, and the Cross was the manifestation of Jesus embracing His purpose and drinking from is bitter cup, which we all have our own cup in life. Thus, get a straw, some ice and embrace it as you chuckle down your own cup. You are given unto something, a God given, Jesus graced and Holy Spirit’s unction for your purpose, there is a messenger of Satan in you too; a thorn in your own flesh. As the body of Christ, all have a purpose; like the human heart needs its tools to pump blood and function, so do all in Christ. The heart was, in essence, given unto its purpose; it cannot function outside the scope of its purview. You nor I, within the scope of our part as “cells,” if you will, of the body of Christ here on earth in conjunction with our adamic nature can escape our “given unto.” You were born to be You and I, me. I was -as were you- given a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan that God allows for our own sake, so that we will not become prideful nor boastful. It helps keep our eyes on Christ. All have a cross to carry. Yet we all still pay the consequences of sins, but never Hell, if in Christ. And what is the cross a representation of? Salvation, Yes! But also, the weight of the consequence of sin. No matter how righteous you say you are, that you don't sin, we all still pay consequences of sin. Proof of such is the ultimate consequence of sin, death, yet we have eternal lives in Christ. You see now God flipped the script on Satan, while true that we must die in the flesh, it’s also true that we are new creations in Christ and such comprises the body of Christ who is seated at the right hand of the Father in Heaven. He gave us something bigger and better than Adam and Eve ever had. Even now with our doomed bodies, are Eternal and GREATER than Adam ever was: that’s the audacity of God! And so am I - a Son of God at-be! He gave us unto Sonship, but we must walk it out. What the enemy meant for harm, Our Father turned it around, and had the audacity to "beget" us as Sons of God through Christ. Adam was not such a thing, for the word says that God sent His ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, Jesus, not Adam, thus there is a difference and His name is Jesus Christ. And since the word says that we are as Jesus is, then we are "Beloved Sons of God, in whom our Abba Father is well pleased." And the reason why He is well pleased with us, is that we honor Jesus Christ and receive Him as Lord and Savior and believe in the "FINISHED" works of Jesus Christ.

Can a child really “choose” to be Gay? Of course not. All I wanted as a child was a Tonka truck I never got, Thanks a lot DAD! I knew was that I was different, because I was attracted to my own sex. And growing up in that actually made me grow up feeling shameful and so forth. It sorts of revealed itself to me as the years went by and I grew and matured. It didn’t go away. And in said process it became quite evident for me that I was what I was, period. I had to stop despising me for it, accept it and speak about it with God, which I eventually did. Can children make lifelong decisions? And give themselves unto it, even while processing life out, through growing, they hate themselves for it? If so, give your finances to a 5-year-old and let him or her run your finances or make lifelong decisions. And why would anyone “choose” to do such a thing? Test yourself anecdotally and evidence out your own findings. Can any Heterosexual person, “ACTUALLY CHOOSE” to turn around one day and simply switch to being a homosexual; like for real and not just to prove that it can be chosen? 

According to Science, the third interstitial nucleus of the anterior hypothalamus (INAH3) is a sexually dimorphic nucleus (SDN) in humans is larger in heterosexual men than in homosexual men (Allen LS; Hines M; Shryne JE; Gorski RA (1989). Moreover, it is smaller is heterosexual women and homosexual males. Sexual differentiation of the hypothalamus of the human brain is generally believed to take place around midpregnancy and thought to be related to the development of sexual orientation and gender identity. The present life span study on the human sexually dimorphic nucleus (SDN) of more than a hundred subjects revealed, however, that at the age of 2-4 years the SDN cell number reaches a peak value, and that only after this age sexual differentiation becomes manifest. (Swaab, Hofman, 1989). Though all of this is somewhat confusing and I certainly am no psychologist nor any type brain expert at all, learning of theses biological differences which occur at such a young age, showed me why I had those attractions as a young boy. Or did I tell my brain to do this? God guided me to find all this to show me that He values and loves me as I am. If He allowed it, then who am I to go against it; the true me. I could try to fake it ‘til I make it, and try to be straight with the hopes of someday actually becoming it. If this occurs in the inside of a person, what is the point of Honesty, if it’s not being your true self. And can I be honest with God, if I’m living a fake life? Didn’t Jesus say to those that were in the law, if you look at a woman with lust, you have committed adultery. The insides do matter to God, maybe not to men, for man always looks at the outer appearance but God looks at the heart. How much of a hypocrite would I feel this on my insides, where it matters to God, and then live an external life as a wanna-be straight guy? Whom am I serving then, because it’s definitely not God, but mankind, to get approval from my fellow “brethren,” and God what? I rather serve the Lord my redeemer and vindicator from the inside out, even if my ‘brethren” despise me or say I choose this. 

I strongly believe that being given unto this mind is a consequence of those “unjusts” from Sodom and Gomorrah, because I know I did not choose this. I know my heart is not darkened towards the Lord. I thank Him and love Him and try my best to incline my ear to His counsel and be guided, for that’s the only way to live. I cannot be a day without communicating with Him, praising Him, thanking Him, asking to help me in EVERYTHING. My relationship with God is so deep, pure and the best thing ever because I NO LONGER come to him in fear, shamefulness, guilt etc., about anything. I come to Him knowing who I AM and who HE IS; Son and his Father in BOLDNESS. I “try” not to incline my own ear to my own nonsense human thinking nor empty philosophies, like the word says. “God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important,”(1 Corinthians 1:28, NIV). I grew up feeling low, feeling like nothing at all, like a piece of discarded garbage that was going to go to hell regardless. In my experience however, in relation to the verse, I didn’t feel despised by the world, nor counted as nothing by the world, but in sheer shame, guilt and condemnation, less than and so forth, by church goers- believers and born-again Christians. Quite interesting and painful! Glorious!

Jesus said: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” (Mark 5:28, NKJV), though the sexual act didn’t occur. How could I have these feelings and attraction inside of me and expect to go to heaven, even if let's say, I never committed the act? That’s not what the scripture says, the insides matter to God, thus matter to me. But man, ALWAYS looks at the outer appearance, whereas God: He looks at the heart! And that is precisely how I grew up; with this internal hell, that many say “I chose.” Yet they can’t choose it for themselves- even if to prove me wrong. I despised myself for decades because of this mind, not mindset. I strongly believe that I was “given unto” it as a consequence. I will drink from my cup in the name of Jesus and be as decent as I can; unlike those from Sodom and Gomorrah, Jesus made me a Son of God, thus righteous and just. I will honor my Lord and Savior by not seeing my own outer appearance and see me through the Finished works of Jesus Christ; that's my faith in Christ, knowing EVERYTHING condemns me but Jesus NEVER WILL. If I go to hell, we all go to hell because that means that Jesus’s blood is LESS THAN human actions. That’s just a satanic lie, and a fruit of law in grace when man had a role to play. And like many say that God will burn “this and that” land like Sodom and Gomorrah; well, it will not be where I am, for I am justified by the Blood of My Savior, Jesus Christ.

If God blessed you with the mind of a painter, by all means PAINT. You’ll think of paint and colors all day long and will express said love of color, shapes, desires through art. A baker thinks in flour, eggs, and so forth. Hence, what I thought was a hell-bound sentence, no matter if I did the act or not, is actually not true because God revealed to me. Earlier on the day God told me I was in the Bible; I was at Church. And it was a sad day at Church for me because the preaching Pastor kept “preaching” about people being dirty gold, and simply kept looking at me, as He was “Letting Me Have it.” It was a small Church and I was in the 6th or 7th row, which was the last one. And people kept turning their heads back to look at me, and I kept my head straight up, motionless just enduring. The beautiful thing that day was, earlier in the night, there was an empty seat to my right, and this “sister” sat beside me. She was one of those that never stays quiet and is talking and so forth and I said in my heart “Oh Lord Please.” She then got up and left. “Thank You My Lord!” my heart replied. But when this preaching preacher that preached venom, just right when I could not take it anymore, my eyes were full of tears, but not one shed. I asked God not to let me cry in front of them, and suddenly, I felt a cool breeze that just dried my eyes; thus, I blinked and did not shed a single tear. Then God said to me, as the Spirit prompted me to look to my right, I saw the only empty seat that night beside me and God said “Don't worry, whatever they say about you, they say about me.” If it took his preaching for me to feel such a love from God that night, IT WAS WORTH IT. I felt the closest I've ever felt to my Lord and Savior JESUS CHRIST, so I bless in the name of Jesus that childman of God, with Sonship in Christ. His Love for me and patience with me, His understanding of me kept on keeping and led me back to Romans 1 and inclined me to read it. I did. It was like a lifelong burden left my body and existence and I began to weep and felt the Holy Spirit and the rivers of living water, because He told me; “I gave you unto this,” and if I “gave you unto” this, who can ungive you? I was quiet and in awe. “Let my Grace suffice,” He said and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because my me-ness, if you will, was a sin and even if I weren’t practicing it, it was still in me. Its wholeheartedly fair to say, that me being EXCATLY who I AM is me being in the will of MY FATHER. I AM not ashamed “no-more!” And didn’t Jesus say if you “lust for a woman, you’ve already committed adultery” and “if you are angry with your brother, you’ve committed murder?” The outward action is simply a manifestation of the inside; God looks at the inwardness, whereas man simply looks at the external, undermining the insides- which is the valuable part of us all. This internal battle within myself of living with this consequence and receiving the Grace of God was the biggest lesson, I'm still learning, of trusting God. It would be so easy and perhaps even a bit self-righteous to think that I am good with God if I am not a practicing homosexual, because those do go to Hell, whereas those who are not practicing it, yet feeling it on the inside are good with God. Then Jesus WHAT? Is Salvation contingent upon human intervention, thus actions: good or bad? If so, then Jesus’ Finished works aren’t really finished. Sheer Hypocrisy, foolishness and or blindness. What is better to say I don’t practice it and be revered by people, yet still desire it in the depths of me? Or be the best I can be, while in this condition, anchor my soul unto Christ and actually, LET THE GRACE OF GOD, which is CHRIST, ACTUALLY SUFFICE? Who am I serving in the latter? MY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS, not mere man. I will be the best “me” I can be. God delivered me, through His own word that always condemned me, not by Him but by preachers and “men'' and “women” of God, that preach without filtering the word through the word made flesh: My Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. I knew I didn’t choose this; I was given unto it. Jesus said: “Two people owed money to the same banker. One owed five hundred coins and the other owed fifty. They had no money to pay what they owed, but the banker told both of them they did not have to pay him. Which person will love the banker more?”(Luke 7: 41-42, NIV). I need not to wonder why that woman blessed Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair, for her sins were many. Imagine then how a person like me, that despised himself and it took revelation from God and his persistent and consistent love, because He had to wash the disgusting residue of legalistic preaching's that wore my existence down to a pit, to make me lie in the green pastures of His Love for me. I am the righteousness of God in Christ, and I will ALWAYS be such. Jesus’ right overpowers all my wrong; just as He didn't deserve the cross, I don’t deserve to be the righteousness of God, but in Christ, I AM WHAT I AM!

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